DCComedy.org - Political Satire by Pardon The Pundit

Obama campaign loses money with promotion of Sarah Jessica Parker dinner party 5/19/2012 8:53 PM Matt Rock - “Sex in the City” star Sarah Jessica Parker is planning on hosting a dinner party and fundraiser for President Obama on June 14th, at her home in New York City. The Obama campaign, hot off the heels of a wildly successful fundraiser at the home of George Clooney, ... Read More & Comments

Romney campaign attacks Obama after Will Smith slaps reporter 5/19/2012 3:46 PM Matt Rock - Mitt Romney's campaign has gone into attack mode today, defending a male Russian reporter that was slapped by Hollywood superstar Will Smith after he attempted to kiss the “Men In Black” star on the mouth. Team Romney claims that Smith, who recently said that he b... Read More & Comments

Birthers produce irrefutable evidence that President Obama was born in Kenya 5/18/2012 8:11 PM Matt Rock - “Birthers,” a group of people that believe President Obama was not born in Hawaii, but is instead a foreigner who won the White House illegally, despite mountains of evidence to the contrary, scored a major victory earlier this evening when they discovered insurmou... Read More & Comments

Scott Walker answers embezzlement claims while shredding paper 5/17/2012 8:37 PM Matt Rock - PTP sat down earlier today with Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, who faces a challenging recall election next month as the result of his efforts to strip union rights in the State. When we arrived at Walker's office, his staff was quite busy, bustling about as the... Read More & Comments

Spiders force Ron Paul to suspend his campaign 5/16/2012 8:30 PM Floyd Harden - Ron Paul officially suspended his campaign for the Republican Presidential nomination Monday, telling anyone who would listen that he was dropping out “because of my perfectly rational fear of spiders.”

Paul, who campaigned on a promise to fundamentally re-s... Read More & Comments

Obama has hot mic gaffe while playing online video game 5/15/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Just hours after his hot mic goof-up at Barnard College in Manhattan yesterday, President Obama managed to land himself in more trouble last night after failing to mute the Bluetooth headset on his Sony PlayStation 3, while blowing off some steam by playing Mass Ef... Read More & Comments

JPMorgan Chase CIO gets $4 billion retirement package after $3 billion screw-up 5/14/2012 8:33 PM Matt Rock - JPMorgan Chase & Co's Chief Investment Officer, Ina Drew, retired from the company today after 30 years of service, in the wake of massive $3 billion trading losses. Drew said she felt terrible about the risky trading she led the company into, and felt her early r... Read More & Comments

Kevin Costner offers services to President Obama, wants to be his bodyguard 5/13/2012 9:00 PM Matt Rock - Hollywood actor Kevin Costner announced today that he is endorsing President Obama in his incumbency bid, just as he had in 2008, and that he hopes to play an active role in the President's campaign... as a bodyguard. Costner released the following statement to th... Read More & Comments

Hackers vandalize Tea Party website, post facts with supporting links 5/12/2012 8:30 PM Matt Rock - Tea Party web administrators are on high alert this weekend after an unidentified group of hackers assaulted and vandalized a website belonging to the “Independence Hall Tea Party.” The hackers allegedly posted crude, lewd, and offensive imagery and text, but acco... Read More & Comments

Rick Santorum suing Dan Savage, demands Mitt Romney also get a funny website 5/11/2012 8:07 PM Matt Rock - Former GOP primary contender Rick Santorum is filing a lawsuit against famed gay rights advocate Dan Savage over the existence of the website “spreadingsantorum.com,” which presents an offensive, but hilarious, definition of “Santorum” in response to Santorum's voc... Read More & Comments

House drops Census survey in “disinformation campaign”, plans to attack polling next 5/10/2012 8:50 PM Matt Rock - Earlier today, the Republican-controlled House voted to get rid of surveys that have been used by the government and a myriad of businesses since 1790. The surveys, conducted by the Census Bureau and once known as the “long form Census,” asked several questions ab... Read More & Comments

Romney campaign vetting Zombie Reagan for VP, worried he's too liberal 5/9/2012 9:05 PM Matt Rock - Mitt Romney's campaign staff are currently vetting former President Ronald Reagan, despite the fact that he's dead as a doornail, to join the Romney ticket as his VP candidate. Campaign insiders have reported to PTP that the vetting process has been underway for a... Read More & Comments

Will Smith called a communist, birthplace questioned after asking to pay higher taxes 5/8/2012 8:22 PM Matt Rock - Iconic Hollywood film star Will Smith recently said that he likes the idea of the wealthy paying higher taxes, and that he'd be willing to do it because “America has been fantastic” to him, and that he'll pay whatever he needs to to “keep [his] country growing.” B... Read More & Comments

GOP defends house budget, says “F--- the Poor” bill title isn't what it sounds like 5/7/2012 8:28 PM Matt Rock - House Republicans are defending new legislation that would, if passed, cut spending over the next decade by over $300 billion, all by gutting financial industry regulations, food stamps, government- issued and assisted health care, grants, and other such programs. ... Read More & Comments

Ron Paul loses supporters after “super moon” doesn't beam them into space 5/6/2012 8:10 PM Matt Rock - GOP presidential candidate Ron Paul, who has mathematically lost the 2012 primary but continues to run for reasons unbeknownst to anyone, lost nearly 80% of his supporters in the past 24 hours, after his prediction that last night's “super moon” would send out beam... Read More & Comments

CNN hopes to win back ratings by unveiling “news cat” 5/5/2012 8:38 PM Matt Rock - Famed news network CNN has been struggling in the past few years with crumbling ratings and broken technological “marvels” that audiences find funny and silly rather than intriguing, like holographic interviews, magic walls, and “weebles.” But CNN President Ken Ja... Read More & Comments

Mitt Romney attempts to honor Beastie Boy Adam Yauch, raps horrifically at event 5/4/2012 10:04 PM Matt Rock - Mitt Romney, hoping to court younger voters in yet another effort to prove that he's a human, attempted to pay homage to Adam Yauch (“MCA”) of legendary New York rap/ punk/ rock trio the Beastie Boys, who shockingly passed away this morning at the age of 47 after n... Read More & Comments

One year later, tiger shark recalls having found and eaten Osama Bin Laden 5/3/2012 8:44 PM Matt Rock - It was May 3rd, 2011 -- one year ago to the day – that a tiger shark named Oscar would stumble across a grisly discovery at the bottom of the North Arabian Sea that would change his life forever, in more ways that one. Some of those ways would be positive. Others... Read More & Comments

Obama, Romney argue over who is the worst character assassin 5/17/2012 3:33 PM Matt Rock - The New York Times reported this morning that Joe Ricketts, the founder of TD Ameritrade, is planning a massive character assassination campaign against President Obama this September, planning for ads to roll out around the time of the Democratic National Conventi... Read More & Comments

Palin to marry Limbaugh 5/16/2012 3:10 PM Floyd Harden - Rush Limbaugh and Sarah Palin shocked the conservative establishment yesterday when they announced plans to marry. At a news conference held outside the Missouri Statehouse where Limbaugh had just been secretly enshrined into the Hall of Famous Missourians Nobody ... Read More & Comments

Romney calls to congratulate Obama after George W. Bush endorses him 5/15/2012 3:06 PM Matt Rock - Presumptive GOP nominee Mitt Romney placed a phone call this afternoon to President Barack Obama, congratulating him on a successful presidential campaign in the 2012 elections and wishing him the best of luck in his second term, after former President George W. Bu... Read More & Comments

Bizarre, “magical” events take place after congressman refuses to meet with prostitute 5/14/2012 4:15 PM Matt Rock - A string of bewildering incidents have sprung up around the globe today after Congressman Peter King (R-NY), chair of the House Homeland Security Committee, told CNN that he would not meet with the prostitute involved in the US Secret Service scandal, Dania Londono... Read More & Comments

Hipsters, other college kids capture Joseph Kony's top LRA Commander 5/13/2012 3:16 PM Matt Rock - Joseph Kony, the leader of the Lord's Resistance Army in Africa who was made famous in a viral documentary about him, suffered a major blow today when Caesar Acellam, one of Kony's top commanders, was captured after a brief firefight near the Congo border.
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GOP figures lash out against Betty White, labels her “socialist,” “domestic terrorist” 5/12/2012 3:15 PM Matt Rock - Hollywood starlet Betty White is under fire today by the GOP and the Tea Party after the 90-year old actress recently endorsed President Obama, the first such endorsement she's ever made. Conservatives are saying that White, who told the Associated Press that she ... Read More & Comments

PTP staff finally report in from George Clooney's Obama fundraiser party 5/11/2012 3:21 PM Matt Rock - Hollywood superstar George Clooney held a massive fundraiser for President Obama last night, raising a record-setting $15 million during the event. The party was packed to the brim with A-listers, including the President himself and his entourage. And even though... Read More & Comments

Former classmates, employees of Mitt Romney speak out about his bullying 5/10/2012 3:30 PM Matt Rock - Shortly after the Washington Post recently published a story that presumptive GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney bullied a closeted homosexual student when they were in prep school, Romney responded on a conservative radio show, laughing as he recalled pinning th... Read More & Comments

Gays and lesbians ravage the nation after President Obama endorses gay marriage 5/9/2012 3:31 PM Matt Rock - American citizens are being urged to stay indoors, with their doors and windows securely locked, their blinds closed tightly, and to not wear clothes that clash, for fear of rampaging homosexual hordes that have formed in the wake of President Obama's official endo... Read More & Comments

Romney goes on credit-taking spree after claiming he saved the auto industry 5/8/2012 3:10 PM Matt Rock - Presumptive GOP nominee Mitt Romney, who said that he'll “take a lot of credit” for the US auto industry's comeback despite having demanded we let them fail in 2008, hasn't seemingly recognized yet that his quote was a pretty epic gaffe. This morning, Romney doubl... Read More & Comments

Vladimir Putin endorses himself in the US 2012 presidential elections 5/7/2012 3:18 PM Matt Rock - Today in Russia, Vladimir Putin took the oath of office that he wrote, in a ceremony that he planned, with catering provided by him, and with music performed by famed Russian rock band “Vladimir Putin and the band that will play behind him if they don't want to pay... Read More & Comments

Obama announces new plan for redistributing wealth 5/6/2012 3:17 PM Floyd Harden - President Obama kicked off his re-election campaign yesterday by calling on working class Americans to rob the rich.

Speaking at a rally at Ohio State University in Columbus, Obama told a crowd of enthusiastic supporters “With a Congress that refuses to do... Read More & Comments

Nugent amputates toe to prove a point 5/5/2012 4:19 PM Floyd Harden - Ted Nugent went berserk yesterday on the set of CBS This Morning, cutting off his pinkie toe to prove his moderate standing in the Republican Party. Nugent’s bizarre behavior appeared to be in response to a question from Jeff Gorr.

Referring to statements... Read More & Comments

Obama campaign website's “life of Julia” sparks controversy with questionable entries 5/4/2012 3:09 PM Matt Rock - President Obama's re-election campaign recently unveiled a new feature on their website, called “Life of Julia” (www.barackobama.com/life-of-julia), which tracks the life of a fictional, statistical composite of your typical American female. But the website was fo... Read More & Comments

BP criminal investigation spreads; local fast food manager indicted 5/3/2012 3:18 PM Matt Rock - The criminal investigation into the catastrophic BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico in 2010 has resulted in two indictments thus far. The first was that of 11-year old Lindsey Powell, who allegedly haggled with a BP safety inspector, which made him late for work o... Read More & Comments

Whales, trees send bitter, scornful letters as Al Gore reveals new girlfriend 5/19/2012 11:00 AM Matt Rock - It was recently discovered that former President... wait, sorry... former “Vice” President Al Gore has managed to land himself a new girlfriend, a Californian conservationist and big-time DNC donor by the name of Elizabeth Keadle. Gore's friends, family, and world... Read More & Comments

Facebook shareholder poked to death moments after shares open 5/18/2012 3:15 PM Matt Rock - When Trisha Cohen and Jane Reid of Manhattan bought shares earlier today in Facebook, on the social networking giant's first day of public trading, neither expected that tragedy was lurking on the horizon. Cohen and Reid, friends since grade school, decided to buy... Read More & Comments

Romney campaign celebrates huge financial gains with Romney-themed “fair” 5/18/2012 9:50 AM Matt Rock - Mitt Romney's presidential campaign is looking quite a bit stronger, after it reported that in April, the former Massachusetts governor brought in $40.1 million in campaign donations, nearly matching President Obama's donations of $43.6 million. To celebrate the w... Read More & Comments

Romney settles on the perfect running mate 5/17/2012 10:30 AM Floyd Harden - Mitt Romney re-shocked the Republican establishment yesterday when he announced that he no longer wants Barack Obama or Ronald Reagan or the fictional character “Julia” or the other fictional character “Sarah Palin” or the comely Portuguese virgin he pays $70 thous... Read More & Comments

Greek Gods get fed up, declare themselves heads of government 5/16/2012 10:30 AM Matt Rock - After Greece again failed to form a new government in the wake of debating a Euro bailout package that will leave millions of Greeks with strongly-opposed slashed wages and deep, painful spending cuts, the ancient Greek Gods returned to Earth, declaring themselves ... Read More & Comments

Wisconsin Governor explains why he keeps reducing his work load 5/15/2012 9:10 AM Matt Rock - The Wisconsin Center for Investigative Journalism recently revealed to America that the State's Governor, Scott Walker, has been doing less actual state-related work since the recall efforts against him began shaping up after he muscled through his famous union-str... Read More & Comments

Politicians find PTP on Facebook, realize the blue text is a link to a whole article 5/14/2012 10:02 AM Matt Rock - Capitol Hill has been buzzing these past few days about Pardon the Pundit – the website you're visiting right now – after Florida Congressman Allen West discovered articles containing his name after drawing his blinds and Googlebating for a few minutes on Thursday... Read More & Comments

Romney interview goes south after candidate bullies reporter 5/13/2012 10:48 AM Matt Rock - Mitt Romney can't seem to escape the press labeling him a bully. And last evening, the presumptive GOP presidential nominee only managed to make things worse for himself, when he bullied CNN anchor Don Lemon on live television, thinking that he was proving that hi... Read More & Comments

Millions of Americans to go without daily Obama emails on Sunday 5/12/2012 10:30 AM Matt Rock - Countless millions of American citizens will need to suffer for a whole 24 hours tomorrow (Sunday, 5/13) without getting even one email, tweet, or Facebook status update from President Obama. Americans are being informed today via emails and social networking upda... Read More & Comments

Palin applies for citizenship in Hungary, tries to prove she's crazier than Bachmann 5/11/2012 9:29 AM Matt Rock - In the feud between Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann over which is the craziest radical Conservative female in the United States, Alaska's former half-term Governor just scored a major victory over the wild-eyed Minnesotan when she applied for dual-citizenship in H... Read More & Comments

Bachmann granted citizenship in Switzerland, refuses to return to home planet 5/10/2012 10:41 AM Matt Rock - Congresswoman Michele Bachmann, famed as being the first female alien creature from another planet to have run in an American presidential election, has been granted citizenship in Switzerland. This has given Bachmann rare triple-citizenship; she is recognized as ... Read More & Comments

Didn't see Rick Santorum's email endorsement of Mitt Romney? PTP has it here! 5/9/2012 10:33 AM Matt Rock - Former GOP candidate Rick Santorum officially endorsed presumptive GOP nominee Mitt Romney in an email message to his campaign's supporters monday night. But unless you've been getting emails from Santorum this whole time, you couldn't have read it... until now. ... Read More & Comments

Ted Nugent claims he “doesn't want to rape your puppy,” only wants to cuddle 5/8/2012 9:00 AM Matt Rock - “Rock musician” Ted Nugent, who was recently investigated by the Secret Service for an alleged threat against President Obama, has been digging himself into trouble all weekend, first with a profanity-infused interview with CBS News, and then with a radio interview... Read More & Comments

Joe Biden: “I'm comfortable with legalizing marijuana” 5/7/2012 9:20 AM Matt Rock - Just 24 hours after having sparked a controversy by admitting that he's “comfortable” with marriage equality, Vice President Joe Biden is pulling his shoe out of his mouth yet again, after sparking something else entirely... admitting to PTP during an interview thi... Read More & Comments

Romney taps “Julia” for VP 5/6/2012 10:50 AM Floyd Harden - Mitt Romney made the only Presidential-level decision of his campaign yesterday when he announced that he has chosen the Obama campaign’s Julia as his vice-presidential running mate. At press time it appeared that Romney may have been unaware that Julia is a ficti... Read More & Comments

After 500k per month job recovery claim, Romney sets more standards for Obama 5/5/2012 10:30 AM Matt Rock - GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney claimed yesterday that America's job recovery should boast 500,000 new jobs each month, criticizing President Obama's 14 consecutive months of private sector job growth, even though it is highly rare for America to produce eve... Read More & Comments

Tuna sandwich beating Obama, Romney in new polls 5/4/2012 11:09 AM Matt Rock - A tuna melt sandwich prepared in the swing state of Indiana has officially pulled ahead of both President Obama and presumptive GOP nominee Mitt Romney in a general, national poll of likely voters. The results of the three way polling show that the American people... Read More & Comments