DCComedy.org - Political Satire by Pardon The Pundit

Pardon the Pundit Touring Company Friday and Saturday 2/22/2012 9:58 PM Staff - Enjoy an evening of fresh hysterical political humor from the DC Area’s edgiest political theater company. Pardon the Pundit (PTP) is a political comedy theater company and political satire publication based in Washington DC. Not affiliated with any party, PTP make... Read More & Comments

Santorum claims his God can beat up Obama’s God 2/22/2012 8:05 PM Floyd Harden - Rick Santorum told an enthusiastic crowd of supporters today, “My God can beat up Barack Obama’s God any day of the week!” Santorum later clarified his remark, telling reporters, "I don’t mean to suggest that the President is not the Christian he claims to be. I’... Read More & Comments

Hitler hears Santorum compare him to Obama and he is pissed 2/22/2012 7:05 AM Alyson Durden - Presidential Candidate Rick Santorum's recent comments comparing President Obama to Adolph Hitler have caused outrage amongst Jewish groups, Democratic circles and even the former Dictator himself is reported to be upset. Pardon the Pundit's sources in Hell have r... Read More & Comments

Herman Cain spent President's Day pretending he was the President, sources say 2/21/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Numerous attendees at an Atlanta, Georgia, ballroom event claim that Herman Cain, the former GOP primary contender and fast food mogul known for his eccentric behavior, hosted a major event yesterday in which he not only pretended that he was the President of the U... Read More & Comments

Ron Paul actually means all that bat shit crazy stuff 2/20/2012 7:05 AM Floyd Harden - Ron Paul told a crowd of stunned supporters today that if he is elected President, he will actually do all of those crazy things he has spent the last several months on the campaign trail promising he would do. The Texas Congressman’s shocking announcement caused ... Read More & Comments

Romney in Michigan to criticize auto bailout 2/19/2012 7:05 AM Floyd Harden - Mitt Romney is working hard to convince residents of Michigan that the Obama bailout of the auto industry was a mistake.

Speaking to a gathering of GM workers in Detroit yesterday, Romney said of the bailout, “It’s just one more example of big government g... Read More & Comments

CNN cancels GOP debate after Nancy Grace accuses candidates of murder 2/18/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - CNN host Nancy Grace has inspired the cancellation of a GOP primary debate scheduled for March 1st, just ahead of Super Tuesday, after she accused all four Republican candidates of murdering various infants and pop stars. Mitt Romney, Ron Paul, and Rick Santorum a... Read More & Comments

Romney's dog lands book deal, says being tied to the roof of a car was “nothing” 2/17/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - After a month of criticism and threats of legal action by animal rights groups and angry pet lovers everywhere, the Romney campaign has finally decided to allow Seamus – Romney's dog who is somehow 31 years old and still breathing – to tell his side of the story. ... Read More & Comments

Payroll tax cut deal reached after Democrats promise unborn children to Republicans 2/16/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - After eons of debate and tactical political posturing, Democrats and Republicans finally struck an eleventh-hour deal last night on the extension of the now-infamous payroll tax cuts, with the Chairman of House Ways and Means David Camp (R-MI) working with Senate F... Read More & Comments

Dennis Kucinich: “Stop confusing me with Ron Paul!” 2/15/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Congressman Dennis Kucinich (D-OH) has had his fill of strangers mistaking him for Congressman and GOP presidential candidate Ron Paul (R-TX). Kucinich called together a press conference an hour ago to address the issue, stating that people have approached him alm... Read More & Comments

GOP Congresswomen admit they support the Ryan plan because he is hot 2/14/2012 7:05 AM Alyson Durden - When Congressman Paul Ryan released his plan to overhaul the Medicare program, it received overwhelming support from female lawmakers. The real reason was revealed today; they find him "hot." Pardon the Pundit was able to score invitations to a closed press lunch... Read More & Comments

Gary Busey helps PTP predict Arizona primary results 2/13/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - With Arizona and Michigan holding the next GOP primaries, both on February 28th, PTP's senior writing staff gathered in my office late last night to discuss our predictions of what might happen next in this hectic GOP presidential primary. We all agree that Rick S... Read More & Comments

Larry the Lobster wins every delegate in Maine caucus 2/12/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - For the first time in the history of the United States, and only the third time in world history, a crustacean has managed to win a human election. Larry, an American lobster weighing in at a little more than 2 lbs, is 36 years old, making him one of the youngest ... Read More & Comments

Candidates flee the country after Chuck Norris endorses Newt Gingrich 2/11/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - GOP primary contenders Mitt Romney, Ron Paul, and Rick Santorum have gone missing in the past 24 hours, noting prior to their departures that they feared retribution from Chuck Norris if they continued to run after Norris endorsed Newt Gingrich for the GOP nominati... Read More & Comments

PTP predicts Romney will win Maine due to lobsters, remoteness 2/10/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - No one can be certain what might happen in Maine this weekend, when the heated 2012 GOP primary season makes its way to the caucuses in the Pine Tree State. Will Santorum keep up his momentum and score big in lobster country? Will Newt Gingrich take on his third ... Read More & Comments

Supreme court braces for Prop 8 debate with “glitter detectors” 2/9/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - The United States Supreme Court is having security beefed up in anticipation of the likely gay marriage debate that will reach their halls in the near future. Anonymous sources who work for the US Park service are reporting that the Supreme Court building will und... Read More & Comments

GOP voters “scared to death” by gay marriage court ruling, vote for Santorum in droves 2/8/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum pulled off three huge wins last night after GOP voters flocked to the two caucuses and one primary scheduled then. Exit polling showed that Conservative voters were overwhelmingly terrified by yesterday's Federal appeals c... Read More & Comments

Michele Bachmann confident she'll win Minnesota caucus, despite no longer running 2/7/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Congresswoman Michele Bachmann, who dropped her presidential bid for the GOP nomination at the start of 2012 after poor results in Iowa, said earlier today that despite no longer running in the 2012 elections, having turned her efforts toward holding onto her Congr... Read More & Comments

Sweater vest factory explosion leaves many suspecting Romney of election tampering 2/20/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - A Topeka, Kansas factory belonging to Really Gay Sweaters Inc., whose owners assured us by telephone that their name means “happy, not the other thing,” exploded this afternoon in a fireball of polyester, wool, and poor fashion sense. It was the only factory in th... Read More & Comments

Personhood Bills stir controversy 2/19/2012 8:05 PM Floyd Harden - The Personhood Bills currently making their way through the Oklahoma and Virginia State Legislatures may break ground in ways that result in some surprising, unintended consequences. The controversial bills, which would define a fertilized egg as a person, are int... Read More & Comments

Occupy super PAC to fund key costs of the movement, like drum heads and rolling papers 2/18/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Occupy Alabama's John Paul Thornton has recently filed to begin the “Occupy Wall Street super PAC,” a move that Thornton claims was inspired by Stephen Colbert's creation of a super PAC called “Americans for a Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow.” Occupiers lambasted the mo... Read More & Comments

Pot plane was Iranian terror plot to get President Obama stoned, authorities claim 2/17/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - A small Cessna airplane carrying forty pounds of marijuana wandered into the no-fly zone that surrounds President Obama on Thursday, buzzing so dangerously close to Marine One that two F-16 fighters were scrambled from March Air Reserve Base to intercept it. After... Read More & Comments

Pentagon releases keyhole satellite photos of Iranian ACME facilities 2/16/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Moments ago, the Pentagon released keyhole satellite images of a new construction program being undertaken by the Iranian government. But surprisingly, the images don't show hard water reactors for building nukes, or chemical plants, or munitions stockpiles. They... Read More & Comments

Rick Santorum's mudslinging “Rombo” ad proves that he still hasn't used Google 2/15/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - A new ad released by Rick Santorum's campaign shows a Mitt Romney lookalike running through an abandoned building, shooting “mud” at a cardboard cutout of Santorum with a paintball gun. But in the end, the gun backfires, and blasts a load of “mud” all over Romney.... Read More & Comments

Glenn Beck arrested after attempting to date-rape the US Constitution 2/14/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Conservative radio Sasquatch Glenn Beck was arrested in Washington DC this afternoon when Park Police allegedly caught him attempting to slip rufinol into the display case of the United States Constitution at the National Archives. Beck is being held without bond ... Read More & Comments

Obama's $3.8 trillion budget for 2013 includes “corporate shock collars” 2/13/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - President Obama's administration unveiled a $3.8 trillion budget for fiscal year 2013 this morning, which aims to achieve $1.5 trillion in deficit reductions by raising taxes on the wealthy while also eliminating various corporate tax write-offs.

But the p... Read More & Comments

Romney defends himself against accusations of collusion with Maine GOP 2/12/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - GOP frontrunner Mitt Romney, who won the Maine caucuses not long after PTP told you that would happen, has found himself on the defensive today after elements of Ron Paul's cult-like following have accused Romney of collusion with the Maine Republican party, some e... Read More & Comments

Sarah Palin announces exploratory committee for 2013 White House bid at CPAC 2/11/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Former half-term Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, who delivered the keynote address at CPAC this afternoon shortly after gunning down zombie Reagan from her private helicopter, revealed tonight her plans to form an exploratory committee for a possible presidential run.... Read More & Comments

Candidates brag at CPAC about “who can beat Obama the hardest” 2/10/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - With the 2012 GOP primary season being one of the most fiercely fought in contemporary history, the Conservative Political Action conference, or “CPAC,” is being looked at as a major battleground where three of the four remaining candidates can try to prove why the... Read More & Comments

Sarah Palin travels to wrong “CPAC” event, finds even crazier people 2/9/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Former half-term Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, who is set to deliver the keynote speech at the Conservative Political Action Conference (“CPAC”) this Saturday, flew to the wrong Washington today to speak on the wrong day at the wrong event, ending up in Seattle, Was... Read More & Comments

Gingrich switches stance on birth control mandate, explains why he now favors it 2/8/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich became the first GOP presidential primary contestant to openly endorse the Obama Administration's regulation that requires all health insurance providers, including disapproving Catholic groups, to provide coverage for birth contr... Read More & Comments

Obama tries to appeal to Right by taking super PAC money, becoming billionaire 2/7/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - President Obama, who is apparently the only person in America that doesn't realize that Republicans don't like him because he's him, is hoping to swing some red votes his way this November by appealing to the most attractive factor Mitt Romney has going for him: b... Read More & Comments

Lana Del Ray song causes Gingrich supporters to lose bowel control at event 2/6/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - A “Grassroots Rally” in Colorado for GOP primary contender Newt Gingrich ended disastrously earlier today when 241 rally-goers simultaneously ruined their pants, dresses, and skirts while listening to a song by embattled pop star Lana Del Ray.

Authorities re... Read More & Comments

Gingrich, Cain met at Mardi Gras to discuss buddy cop film, sources say 2/22/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - PTP's Hollywood bureau received anonymous tips from multiple sources yesterday and today that current GOP presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich and former GOP contender Herman Cain had both spent several hours together in New Orleans. We've been told that they spent ... Read More & Comments

GOP debates attacked by Sand People, bored to sleep by Ron Paul rant 2/21/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - A GOP debate taking place in Mesa, Arizona tonight was attacked by a marauding horde of “Sand People,” A race of beings made famous from their appearances in the Star Wars movie franchise. The horde invaded the convention center, bashing away at Wolf Blitzer whom... Read More & Comments

The transcript from Newt Gingrich's harrowing campaign-related 911 call 2/21/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - PTP anonymously received a transcript of a 911 call placed this morning in Mesa, Arizona. The brief call was confirmed by caller ID (yeah, 911 uses it, too!) to have come from the hotel room of none other than GOP presidential primary hopeful Newt Gingrich. Let's... Read More & Comments

Arizonans rehearse for outlandish behavior at tomorrow's GOP debate 2/20/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - The State of Arizona has quite the reputation of insanity to live up to, and at tomorrow's televised CNN debate in Mesa, the Copper State plans on putting on quite the show. An “audience rehearsal” took place earlier today in a hotel conference room, and those who... Read More & Comments

President Obama proposing nap-based energy policy tomorrow, sources say 2/19/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Anonymous sources inside the White House have revealed today that President Obama will be announcing tomorrow a new energy policy in the United States, with an executive order due to be signed by week's end, which will, in theory, improve energy efficiency througho... Read More & Comments

Santorum defends Friess – calls for sex with consequences 2/18/2012 3:05 PM Floyd Harden - Rick Santorum chose not to bite the hand that feeds him today when he came to the defense of Foster Friess, a major Santorum supporter who has donated hundreds of thousands of dollars to Santorum’s Republican presidential primary effort. After Friess made a joke s... Read More & Comments

NJ Democrats hide gay marriage bill in cheeseburger, hope to avoid Chris Christie veto 2/17/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Lawmakers in the State of New Jersey voted on Thursday to legalize gay marriage in the State, with a vote in the State Assembly coming out favorably at 42-33, which isn't strong enough to override a veto by Governor Chris Christie, who said he plans to veto the bil... Read More & Comments

Santorum puts women in their place 2/16/2012 3:05 PM Floyd Harden - Rick Santorum is showing no signs of wilting under the glare of the increased attention his candidacy has received since the candidate swept caucuses in three states and claimed the mantle of the anti-Romney conservative Republicans have been craving for months. O... Read More & Comments

GOP candidates' wives blast Michelle Obama for wearing a dress from Target 2/15/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - First Lady Michelle Obama landed some press attention recently when she wore a dress purchased from Target, costing a mere $39.99. This has sent the wives of all four GOP presidential hopefuls into a tailspin, as they've organized press conferences to criticize he... Read More & Comments

Gingrich gets a Valentine’s Day surprise 2/14/2012 3:05 PM Floyd Harden - Newt Gingrich got a shock today when he discovered that the heart-shaped box of chocolates he received for Valentine’s Day came not from yet another fiscally-conservative, morally-progressive woman who hopes Gingrich’s wife Callista will be bitten by a lyme disease... Read More & Comments

Coffeegate! 2/13/2012 3:05 PM Floyd Harden - Seeking to capitalize on his victory in the Maine caucuses and his endorsement by the conservative activist group, CPAC, a reinvigorated Mitt Romney returned to the campaign trail yesterday only to find himself once again immersed in hot water. But this time, the ... Read More & Comments

Presidential candidates react to news of Whitney Houston's untimely death 2/12/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - The world was stunned late last night when it was learned that international pop superstar Whitney Houston passed away unexpectedly in her Beverly Hills hotel room. Tributes, affectionate messages, and words of sorrow have been pouring in through social media sour... Read More & Comments

Zombie Reagan storms CPAC stage before being gunned down by Sarah Palin 2/11/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - The GOP was stunned and horrified earlier today after former President and Conservative messiah Ronald Reagan clawed his way out of his grave this morning, hijacking an airplane in California and flying it to Washington DC. President Reagan reportedly stopped at a... Read More & Comments

Santorum elaborates further on stance that women shouldn't be on front lines 2/10/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - GOP primary hopeful Rick Santorum, hot off his trio of big wins in Colorado, Missouri, and Minnesota, commented earlier today about the Pentagon's announcement that they'll be allowing more women to serve in the military on the front lines, saying he doesn't believ... Read More & Comments

President Obama calls in SEAL Team Six to fight contraception battle 2/9/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - With debate regarding the White House's health care contraception mandate spreading like genital warts, President Obama has been struggling to keep the Democratic party onboard, without further radicalizing the right. But he may have found the ultimate tool that c... Read More & Comments

Romney admits he's a mannequin, claims racism after major losses last night 2/8/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - GOP primary frontrunner Mitt Romney, who remains in the lead even after handedly losing Colorado, Minnesota, and Missouri last night during the two caucuses and one primary that took place in those States, has entered damage control mode today, explaining why he fe... Read More & Comments

Santorum cries, kicks feet after court rules in favor of gay marriage 2/7/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - GOP presidential candidate Rick Santorum lashed out this afternoon against today's Federal appeals court ruling that says California's ballot-initiated ban on gay marriage is unconstitutional. Santorum, who has lost steadily throughout the primaries since his incr... Read More & Comments